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Daniel Tosh

125 Shouts   -   1,246,763 Scrobbles



Top Songs

Total plays on over the last 6 months
    Now if you're following me on Twitter you know i had diarrhea today.
    Am i using that web site properly?
    Sometimes I like to sit one the toilet reverse. . .
    "we're listening..."
    it nice right?
    TWO - (5:56)  -  2,525 plays
    So I was walking into whole foods recently, I dont grocery shop there, its too expensive, but I love the smell of lavender so its where I get my laundry detergent. Normally when you walk into whole foods theres somebody outside with a clipboard like Hey you wanna help pandas keep getting boners? On this day It was like Hey you wanna help overturn prop 8? and imp like ehh I just wanted to shop I didnt want- huhehh. But I noticed there was a really old lady walking in behind me and I wanted to make sure she was asked as well like that I wasnt profiled this guys queer, hell help an sure enough she asked maam do you wanna help overturn prop 8? Ooohhh Im like explain it to her. Its to make gay marriage legal in the state of California. Shes like ohhh and I could just see 80 r 90 y! ears of sexist racist shit that shes had to put up with go round and round i'm praying she falls over dead like Carpet munchers, no! none of which happened, she signed it im an ass hole. Do you remember the commercials they ran? It was a little girl she came running home from school, and shed be like mommy mommy mommy the teacher said when I get older I can marry a princess if I want to. And theyre like whatre you gonna do when your kid says that? and every parent in Californias like oh, were gonna have to talk to our kids? Sorry queers, nope. Yea, thats esperanzas job. So I wanna hire the same little girl to do commercials for me in the state of Utah. And I want her to come running home and be like mommy mommy mommy how come youre nine years older than me? Because we learned math, and this doesnt add up. Mommy mommy mommy mommy, shes calling out to all of her mothers, they start to come out of the cabinets in their l! ittle house on the prairie outfits. Trying to explain how open! minded they really are, compared to who? The Amish? Am I the only person that blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all of this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and Im like hoho, fuck that, fill it up, fill it up, no no, im not gonna ride around in a buggy, its bad enough I have a four cylinder. But I would like a fireless fireplace. I dont know how you did it Amish; apparently you teamed up with the wickens because that is magical. You know the economys in the toilet when the Amish can afford full page adds in every paper. Apparently butter is recession proof. Does anyone in hear even know what im talking about at this point? The Amish make this fireplace that doesnt plug in, theres no fire, but its pumping out heat, I assume theres a hamster in there losing his mind. Its no snuggie but its a good product.! Yea somebody bought me a snuggie as a joke gift, hah, jokes on you, I enjoy it. Yea, I toss and turn at night and finally a blanket thats like nuh uh, im gonna keep you warm its like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson, the perfect pressure. What upset me about the gift was thats all I received was one sage green snuggie when in fact I know it comes with 2 snuggies and 2 book lights those are $20 values where the hell is the rest of my gift? Yea. You have until Christmas, or im coming to your house and ripping three quarters of your fat head off your wall. Not big ben yea. Ben shouldnt be in the bathroom with anyone. Ben rothlesberger is Tim tebow minus Jesus. Speaking of quarterbacks. Brett Favre. I love that everybody gave him so much grief to retire, are you kidding me? First of all, do you want me to fix the economy? Because I can, its very simple, you have to be prepared to work really hard for your entire life and eventually! die. And its the ladder thats the biggest problem, no bo! dy dies. People live forever, people get to retire at 65 that was an age that was set when people would die at 66, 66 and a half, people live forever now and our economy cant afford that. I dont even know how old my grand parents are, but I know that they should be dead. And trust me, they dont wanna be alive either theres not a welcome mat at their front unit in Naples Florida theres a do not resuscitate nailed to their door. Im not making that up. If you knock on my grandparents house and you see one of them laying on the ground the only thing you are legally allowed to do is a finishing move. DOOKEN thats mine. Brett Favre should retire. Are you out of your mind, he makes $12million a year to play a game. Yea im gonna keep playing hey Brett the world thinks you should retire you said 12 million right? Yea, they can go fuck themselves. I would never quit are you kidding me? What about 4 years hes not good enough to be a starter but! he can be a back up you know what that pays? About 4-5 million oh, yep im gonna do that. How bout 10 years not good enough to be a back up but he can be on the practice squad you know what that pays? About 850, 000 uh yep im gonna do that as well. Play forever. Itd make the game more enjoyable. If people werent allowed to retire? Athletes dont wanna quit either see some 70 year old return a punt, he gets hit he explodes and dies on the field with some honor.
    THREE - (6:09)  -  2,187 plays
  3. 5 - (5:34)  -  2,182 plays
    San Francisco, thank you for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
    Oh San Francisco, my third favorite city to do comedy in. huh? Thats not bad right? Top ten congratulations.
    More butt fucking per square foot, then in any place in the world, thats you guys.
    Put that on your post cards, "San Francisco, more butt fucking per square foot. Miss you."
    Now if you've never seen me perform before I am not good live, heads up.
    ONE - (4:41)  -  2,012 plays
    And sports needs steroids. It does are you kidding me, oh
    baseball certainly, baseball is a strike away from being
    soccer. And if you like soccer, well, welcome to America.
    See our country already has entertainment, so watching
    people chase a ball around for four hours to end zero-
    FOUR - (5:06)  -  2,143 plays
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